Defeat

(A very over processed photo...there was a time that I thought that it was amazing)

Defeat as per The Webster Dictionary: 1. to win a victory (over someone or something) in a war, contest game, etc. 2. to cause (someone or something) to fail. 3. to control or overcome (something)

I have never been one to accept to defeat. (In fact I have learned that from the Army, the Army teaches each Soldier that with the Soldier's Creed) I have always been the one to found a way to succeed, or at least make it to the point where I was happy with the point that I made it too. For example, in my career in the military I have fought to do as many push ups, sit ups, and run two miles faster then the guys in my unit. However I am not going to be able to achieve this goal. I just can't quite pull it off, however I came to a point that achieving a 270 or higher on the Physical Training Test was achieving the goal. In some people's eyes this is giving in, however I believe that this is accepting my limitations and performing at the high end and reach an obtainable goal. 

I am sure that by now you are wondering how this applies to photography. Unlike in the Army where someone like myself ends up settling, photography you never have to settle. There is always a way to move forward and improve with each shot. 

The picture I started with at the top of this entry is over processed and way over done, and well, there would have been a time that I would have told you that it was amazing and that it was my best work. However as I continue to work through the current photography class that I am taking I am improving, and with that my editing has continued to improve. I have also learned that there is  no end to what I can do! 

I had a period of time where I felt as though I should just put down my camera, and never pick it up again. Every photo I posted or shared in groups on Facebook was ripped apart and I was told everything thing that I did wrong, and that I should not consider myself a photographer. It was a struggle for me. The work that I had shared was work that I thought was my best and I was very proud of. I thought when I posted it that others would feel the same wonderful feelings that I felt and would fall in love with the image the same way that I did. I was wrong in so many ways.  I told my husband and I showed him the comments that I was receiving. It was painful, and to be honest embarrassing. After reading everything that was being said my husband closed the laptop, gave me a hug and said, "Who cares what they think. I think that these photos are beautiful, and I would buy them. you love them, and you are proud of them, don't let others take that away from you." He could see the defeat on my face. He gave me a hug and told me not to take it to heart or to let it hurt me. It took me a few days, but I thankfully picked up my camera again, and I also posted another few photos that have received amazing comments since then. I have also developed an amazing relationship with my clients, and I have slowly built an amazing business. All of this would not have happened had I accepted defeat and never touched my camera again.

I have found that behind my camera I can grow,  behind the computer I can create, and above all I am never, ever defeated. As long as you are learning and growing with your craft you are never ever defeated. 

(A recent shot from a ring project I am working on and one that I am VERY happy with.)

Determination

Since I was a child I have held a sense of determination. I have played sports since I was a child. I played a number of them, and they were not easy to learn, but once I had the grasp of what I was doing I had the determination to not only succeed but to excel at what I was doing for not only myself but for my team. 
As life went on I have grown, gained an amazing family and I have an amazing military career. I have excelled in my career in the military because of the determination that I carried in my heart that I was not only serving my country but I was doing everything that I could for my three blessings that have been by my side since their birth. When I deployed I promised that when my tour was over that I was going to come back and we would be a family again. In a number of instances during that deployment the only thing I could hang on to in order to give myself strength was the promise that I had made would make it back to my three amazing children. 
My children in the mean time have carried on with the same determination in their own lives. My children are amazing players when it comes to soccer. I am so thankful that they have the determination and the dedication that they carry in their hearts. It is really for a selfish reason on my part. My military career is winding to a close due to injuries that I have sustained over my many years of service and now it is time to part ways. Being able to watch my children in action and to see their determination on their face gives me a large sense of pride, and gives me the desire to catch that sense of determination that they display on camera. This also gives me a new determination to improve myself behind the camera.  One day I hope that photos like this one will be cherished by my children and that they will see the same things that I see in them in their children.
With this same determination that I have to photograph my children I apply it to all the photos that I have taken. I strive to improve daily and I strive to create beautiful art that all of my clients will cherish and hold dear to their hearts from not until forever. 

On a separate note I ask that each and everyone of you take a moment out of your day on Monday to remember all of the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines that have fallen due to each of the wars that this great nation has been involved in.  Take a moment and honor these great people and everything that not only they but their families have endured and sacrificed. Remember that Memorial Day is not for thanking those of us that are currently living, serving or retired. Memorial Day is meant for everyone to take a knee and honor those who have led before us and have fallen in order to give us what we have today. Those of us that are still here serving or retired have our day, and that day is Veteran's Day. Each of us ask you to honor those who have sacrificed and have given all.  

To Blake, I may not have ever had the chance to meet you, but you were a welcomed addition to the family, and each and everyone of us miss you dearly and we know that you are watching from above and looking out for Brandy and Ty. 

To Chris, I remember that last moment I saw you as you were out processing to deploy to Afghanistan. I remember the smile on your face, the excitement in your eyes as you were getting ready to deploy. I still cannot believe that you are gone. I think about you and I miss you. I miss your friendship and your wittiness. Above all I know that your family misses you as well. 

To Nicholas Clayton I remember the first time that I meant you, and you convinced me to climb on top of the hospital in the middle of a sandstorm to hold the flag so that you could re enlist. The priceless pie in the face contest. I never got the chance to become friends with you, but I honor your memory and you did not deserve to go out like that.

I will never forget the final roll call for each of you, and I will never forget your failure to answer. It has made a hole in my heart. 

It's Mother's Day morning, and I have already been up and moving. My husband was kind enough to take me out for morning coffee in honor of Mother's Day. (LOL really it is something that he does every weekend, however I will let him count it towards Mother's Day) I have been on Facebook, and had the chance to send out my own Mother's Day wishes as well. 

My husband and my kids are so sweet, and easily excitable. This year they bought the portrait camera lens that I have been drooling over for several years. This is something that was not cheap and I never expected to receive as a gift, however they surprised me with it and showed me how much they love me and support my endeavors with my photography. My youngest also had a seperate gift for me, a poem that he wrote with his class regarding Mother's Day. It was titled a Mother's Beauty. It was sweet and sincere and I could ask for nothing more. I took my lens, placed it on my camera and immediately began snapping pictures just to see if the lens worked, and if it was all that I ever dreamed that it would be on my camera. 

However, I am constantly drawn back to a cute poem that my youngest brought home from school. It was a simple poem, and I am sure that every child took a similar poem home, but his has touched my heart. I cannot put a finger on why it has touched my heart as it has, but it has. I have read it 100 times since he gave it to me on Friday and I love it more and more every time I read it. Each of my children as they have gone thru school has brought home beautiful poems and gifts and they are all very near and dear to my heart, and I look at them every year. I think that my youngest and his poem touch me because I know this is the last 3rd grade Mother's Day poem that I am going to receive. I know he is going to continue to grow like his brother and sister, and eventually Mother's Day is going to become a "Happy Mother's Day" thrown over his shoulder as he heads out the door for another adventure in his young life.

Maybe this realization is what draws me back more and more to this poem. I have watched my daughter grow from the cute, smiling diaper wearing Halloween witch to a beautiful, full of drama 16 year old. I realize that in two years that she is going to be an adult, and out on her own in a world that is not as forgiving as I have been. I have watched my handsome, Bambi eyed, full of life, quad riding, Papa's boy of a son become a handsome, handful, and sometimes angry young man, and then there is my little Monkey who has a life that has yet to be determined. I am so proud of my three little beautiful/handsome children. My heart swells for each of them with their accomplishments and with each milestone that they accomplish, and then the realization happens that they are one step closer to being grown, and out on their own, out of my line of sight and protection. It is something that is hard to swallow, but at the same time makes me proud and swell with pride. 

I must admit the trials and the tribulations that it takes to get to this point is a struggle. The fights, the "I hate you's", the "I can't wait to be 18 to get away from you's". They are all hard on my heart. But the accomplishments they achieve, the "I Love you's", the "Thank you's" are priceless. They are as priceless as the poem I received from little Monkey on Friday. 

I must say this is what Mother's Day is about, and I would never trade it for the world.